I had a voicemail message today from my GYN Oncologist’s nurse. My scan from two weeks ago is clean. I’m still cancer free!! Despite the good news, I found myself feeling down. How on earth could this be?! Well, this nurse has never called me with scan results before, and her personality is drier, less emotive, and less emotional that most other nurses. Whenever I’ve gotten news of a clean scan before, the voice on the other end of the phone sounds like it’s smiling, and says “your scan was normal. Everything looks great”. Today, the message went like this: “Your cat scan is good. So, it says no evidence of local recurrence, pathologic adenopathy, or metastatic disease, so it’s really good news”. All of this was delivered in the most serious, deadpan of voices. I hung up the phone, and instead of feeling happy, I felt afraid. The words “recurrence” and “metastatic disease” really twist me up in knots, I guess. I still live between scans, still often feel like it’s only a matter of time before the other shoe drops. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be 5 years post-treatment. That’ll really be a great day!